I faked an abortion last night.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
