If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
