He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
