you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
