I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
