Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
