Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
