tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
