I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
