I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
