Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
