oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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