My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
me + whiskey = a bad person
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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