Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
