I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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