I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
