I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i drank out of a bidet.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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