you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
