Your face is a jimmy john
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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