just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Mom said you looked used
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
