Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
