It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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