She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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