I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
