quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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