if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
