Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
