Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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