3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
