when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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