The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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