you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize