She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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