Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
