Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
too bad you live with your parents still
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
