Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
