Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize