I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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