I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
