please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
