I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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