you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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