i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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