just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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