He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
