you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
