Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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