So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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