and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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