Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
