I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
