You surviving the open bar?
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He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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