My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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