I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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