i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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