Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
