Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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